I’m Crazy

If someone were to look through my search engine at home or at work they would think I was a lunatic. I’ve gotten to the point where I just can’t help myself.. I Google EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERTYHING! I should keep a list of the random things I Google. I have gotten especially crazy in the last 4 days of the TWW.

So, tomorrow is the day, TOMORROW!!!! Holy smokes! As long as this two weeks has felt, this entire cycle has flown by. I’m excited and anxious to hear what the results are. If they are negative it will suck and I will be heartbroken, but I will pick myself off and we will try again. I’ll also drown my sorrows in a bottle or two of wine. If it is positive I will be overwhelmed with excitement and gratefulness. Either way I am excited to know.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!

Optimism, where did you go? ?

I’m a little down in the dumps today… I tried staying optimistic and positive, but today it is lacking a little. Yesterday I started having “period-like” cramps/ twinges. Or at least what I think is period like cramps. So naturally I began symptom spotting myself left and right. I haven’t completely counted myself out because I have read on doctor Google about many people that had similar feelings and still ended up pregnant. So my question to you all is, have any of you have “period-like symptoms” and still gotten a BFP?

Some of the other symptoms or random things I have noticed in the past few days is: a random rash on both of my upper arms. Also, when I wake up or stand up after laying down for a while my ENTIRE body aches. Sleeping sucks these past few days- I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep…Finally, I get briefly nauseous after eating. It doesn’t last long, but has been happening pretty regularly.

I’m still going to try to be as positive as possible until I get my beta results, but I don’t want to set myself up to ultimately be crushed either (I will be no matter what if it is a negative). Are any of you getting the second week crazies during your TWW?

This will be my time, this will be my time, this WILL be MY time!!!

Baby dust to you all!

1 Week Down!

Well, you read it…. I am HALFWAY through my TWW. This TWW has been a lot different than my last TWW after the IUI. I am much less stressed and obsessive. I’m also not paying too much attention to “symptoms” or anything like that. This has been both good and bad for me. Good because my day isn’t consumed with convincing myself that I am pregnant, and bad because I don’t feel like I have any “pregnancy-like” symptoms this time so I have convinced myself that I am probably not pregnant. Do any of you do this?

I think I am going to hold out again on taking a HPT and wait for my BETA. I did test my trigger a few times and it has without a doubt lasted in my system longer this time. Last time it tested out of my system in about 5 days. When I tested 8 days after the trigger this time it was still in my system (pretty light though), I haven’t tested since then though.

The second week of the TWW is generally the toughest for me. So, I am planning on doing a huge summer clean of our entire house. Much needed if I do say so myself. Hopefully this will keep me distracted and get me through the long stretch until Thursday!

Praying for my positive!

IUI 2-complete

The stupid computer wit let me update so I’m doing it from my phone.  Please excuse me if it looks funky.

Well, the title pretty much says it all… we completed our 2nd IUI procedure yesterday. The RE office called us on Wednesday and asked if the could move our appointment up from 2 to 11. We were fine with that, I was actually pretty happy about it because I think that would be closer to my ovulation time. This go around the female doctor did my IUI. I was a little hesitant at first, simply because she didn’t do it the first time… but, it made sense for her to do it because she did all of my monitoring this cycle. So that was that.

E went in before the IUI to do his deed. His numbers were a little (not much) better this time compared to last. Last cycle he had 7 million sperm and this cycle he had 7.5 million sperm with 89% motility post wash. The number still seems low to me, but the doctor wasn’t concerned with it at all. She said they like to see anywhere between 5-10 million post wash. Our egg quality was also much better this go around. Last cycle my largest follicle was 18, this cycle my largest one was around a 26 and we had 3 other juicy ones with it. The procedure itself was actually ALOT more painful than the first time. This was because she had trouble with my cervix and had to use another speculum type tool to open my cervix for the catheter- holy shit, ouch!

After the appointment we went out for some lunch and then went back home to relax. I was pretty crampy and wasn’t really up to doing anything. We had planned on BD that evening and then this morning….buuuuuuuuuuuuut that didn’t exactly work out for us. Yesterday I was just too crampy and not feeling up to it. This morning we got started, but ran out of time because E had to get to work. So hopefully at least 1 (maybe 2) of his Michael Phelps swimmers find and fertilize an egg.

and now we wait…..

So far, so good…

Well, this cycle has been a lot different than my first IUI cycle in a VERY good way. I haven’t had nearly the amount of side effects that I had during our first IUI. I think this is because of a few different things; 1. I know what to expect so I am not overly stressed about the process, and 2. I am taking the medication at night instead of in the morning. I really think the change in time for my Clomid has made a whirlwind of a difference.

I have been a little irritable lately, but that is to be expected with the increase in hormones being pumped through my body.

Today is my last day of Clomid and then I have 2 (maybe 3) days of FSH left. My ultrasound is scheduled for the 1st to do a follicle measurement and to see where we go from there. I am hoping that I have a good amount of juicy follicles. I hope that our positive baseline is a good indication for how this cycle will go. PRAYING FOR MY POSITIVE!

On a side note- another friend of mine has announced that they are pregnant! GUH!! It really frustrates me because 1. she hasn’t even been with the guy for a year, 2. they aren’t married, 3. they were “trying” (I don’t get why you try before you get married)….. She is very happy about, so I guess I will be happy for her. End of my soapbox.

I wish that I had more interesting things to share with you today, but I don’t…. Sorry!

Tough Day

Yesterday was a tough day for me. My best friend (that I have written about before) is pregnant and we are planning her baby shower. I’m very happy for her because she is so excited about it, but planning it really makes me sad. I feel so guilty and selfish admitting that too. As I was talking with her mom about all of the cute ideas and things we needed to get I got a little teary eyed. I also went shopping for some baby shower gifts that I wanted to get her. I went a little overboard with clothes because I thought they were so stinkin’ precious… and she will hopefully be able to pass them down to me after =). I also got her a few other things from Babies R’ Us… Walking around that store alone just makes me sad. You get to see cute little pregnant people everywhere and sweet baby things…. 

It was tough.

On a positive note- I haven’t had my eye twitching side effect (yet) this round of Clomid. I changed from taking it in the morning to taking it in the evening. I start my Follistim tonight, yay shots! So for the next 3 days I’ll be doing Clomid and Follistim at the same time. Last cycle this is when I had the “blah” side effect where I just didn’t feel like doing anything and almost like I was depressed, had eye twitching, and saw tracers in lights. Hopefully that isn’t the case this time, but if that is the worst of the side effects I’ll be good.

A Few Favorites

One thing that I regularly obsess about is infertility. It is amazing that at one time I never even thought about it, and now there isn’t a day that goes that I don’t think about it or research it in some way. I don’t really discuss it too much in my day to day life with others. Our families are aware of our fertility struggles, and a few of our close friends, but other than that I don’t really talk about it. So, I venture into social media to follow others sharing the same experiences. However, I don’t share my own fertility struggles on social media (yet) other than this blog. I almost feel guilty that I am not sharing my struggle there, but I just don’t think I am ready for everyone to know… I will probably be more comfortable sharing once I become pregnant.

One of the outlets that I really enjoy is YouTube. I would never have the guts to post videos of myself and my struggle, and my hubby would never be on board for that, but I admire those that do. The pure rawness makes them so relatable to me and it really does help me cope with some of the things I have difficulty with. I wanted to share a few of the YouTube channels that I follow.

 

Cullen and Katie- http://www.youtube.com/user/bamachick1101/playlists

This is a HILARIOUS couple that is full of wit and spontaneity. They have an amazing outlook on life and have so much fun with each other everyday. They have overcome their fertility battle and are pregnant with a baby girl! Follow them on their hilarious journey to meeting their baby girl.

 

Kendra- http://www.youtube.com/user/KendraBabyJourney/videos

I follow Kendra on Instagram and Youtube. She comes across as a very sweet, open person. She has currently been through 2 failed IUI’s and is currently doing timed intercourse with injectables. Follow her on her honest journey through infertility.

 

Heartships of Hope- http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWceiPHYdAljpJgr98q5i3A/videos

This girl is freaking hilarious. She has currently been through 2 failed IUI’s. Follow her on her journey.

 

Ellie and Jared- http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWceiPHYdAljpJgr98q5i3A/videos

Ellie, Jared, and sweet little Jackson are the first people that I began to watch when I found out about my infertility. They have documented their entire process. They are so much fun and the cutest couple ever. Their Vlog truly helped me get through a really tough time in my life. I follow them on Instagram and Youtube.

 

Danielle-  http://www.youtube.com/user/lovecomadani/videos

Danielle is on her journey to having a baby. She is a funny girl living in Hawaii that is very honest and open. She is currently moving from IUI to IVF. Follow her on her journey.

 

 

 

Baseline

So, we had our baseline today. We will be doing the same medication (Clomid, Follistim, Ovidrel, and Progesterone) and dosage that we did last cycle because my body responded appropriately. I did ask if we needed to increase the dosage and they said no pretty quickly because I had 3-4 decent sized follicles last time. Also, today during the baseline ultrasound the doctor noticed a significantly larger reserve than they have in the past. She said that last cycle I only had about 6 and this cycle I have about 12 in the reserve!!!! I don’t really know much about that, but it sounds good! The doctor said that it goes against all of my tests that have been done in the past. Hopefully that is a good sign. I start my Clomid today, FSH on Thursday, and then I go in for a scan on July 1st. I’m a little sad because the July 1st visit will be the first one that my husband has to miss. =(

So, that is all I have for an update right now.. I will update soon with my side effects from the wonderful medication. I am planning on taking Clomid at night this time instead of in the morning due to my eye twitching that I had last time.

She’s HERE…

Dear ol’ Aunt Flo finally decided to make an appearance. It’s about freaking time! So, I am currently on CD 2. I’ll be calling the doctor tomorrow to set up my baseline appointment. I am assuming they will schedule it for Tuesday or Wednesday. I’m really hoping for Wednesday because my schedule on Tuesday is a little crazy. Either way we will be able to make it work. I am a little concerned that our IUI date will fall on July 4th. This concerns me for 2 reasons: 1. The clinic may not be open on this day and 2. It will be very unlikely for E to get off shift that day, he’s a firefighter. Generally he can take off for any visit we need, but July 4th is a day that is tough for him to get off. So, I’m hoping that it falls on the 3, or after the 4th… fingers crossed!!!!

I have been ridiculously hormonal so far this cycle. E is on shift today so I have done a whole lot of nothing… My day has consisted of coffee, a heating pad for my ridiculous cramps, Lifetime movies, and Kleenex. I decided to be a little more productive so I finally got out of bed. I’m going to clean the bathroom out (we’re remodeling it, yay!) and then I will probably do some laundry.

I also thought I would share some of my fun memberships with you guys. E always complains that I sign up for too many monthly things. In order to hush him a little I signed him up for the Dollar Shave Club. Initially I did it for him and then I used the razors and had to sign up for myself as well. It is one heck of a deal. There are 3 different options 1 dollar, 6 dollar, and 9 dollar. E signed up for the 6 dollar and it is great. I just signed up for the 9 dollar today and I’m sure it’s going to be outstanding!! It is such a good deal. You get 4 blades mailed to your house each month for the ridiculously low price and we can never use all of the blades. We have saved so much money on his blades alone and I know we will save on mine now too because I generally spend at least 20 a month on myself for blades. If your interested in checking it out here is the link:

http://shaved.by/0vPP

One of the other fun clubs I am a member of is Birchbox. I am not the most girly girl person, but I LOVE sample products. Birchbox sends you a monthly box of beauty and health items based off of your interest. This past month was quite possibly my best box yet. I got an amazing Reveal eyeshadow pallet, tinted moisturizing lotion, face serum, a lip stick, a lip gloss, 2 perfume samples, and some gummy vitamins. Definitely worth the 10 bucks a month I spent. My favorite product thus far has been the Tan Towel. If you haven’t heard of it/used one DO IT NOW! If you’re interested in checking it out here is the link:

https://www.birchbox.com/invite/5m8z1

What Not to Say….

It is amazing how sensitive I am now… The littlest thing will upset me especially when it comes to fertility. Sometimes I think people are just ignorant to the topic. I understand that it isn’t a familiar topic to everyone, but a little courtesy when broaching the subject is appreciated… Some of the most annoying things I have had said to me are:

1. You’re young, you have plenty of time to have a baby.

Really, I didn’t realize that being almost 30 was young when I see 5,000,000,000 16 year olds pregnant. Also, I am ready for my baby now… I don’t want to have to wait!

2. We tried for 2 months to get pregnant, I totally understand the pain and frustration you are going through…

Wow, two whole months!!! I have been trying for two years, you DON’T understand!! You were able to have a baby naturally with timed intercourse. I have taken medication and gone through fertility treatments and nothing.

3. Fertility treatments, that’s cool, you get to pick out the baby’s sex that way, right?

You’ve got to be FREAKING kidding me!!!! I don’t care what sex my baby is, I just want a baby! 

4. Maybe you’re not doing it right… Have you tried _____________ position?

I’ve tried everything you’re going to suggest and more. Shut it!

4. Maybe you should just adopt.

Really, you don’t think the thought of adoption has crossed our mind? It has, but I want to be pregnant, I want to carry a baby, I want to create something that is our own.

5. It must be a sign that it isn’t the right time.

Or maybe it is our infertility that is the factor and nothing about “signs”.

6. I’ve got my hands full, you can have one of mine.

Just pour a little salt in the wound already! Don’t offer your little nuggets up, one day I’ll accept that offer!

7. Are you pregnant yet, how about now?

Really? This helps, it totally helps!

8. Just relax, you’re too stressed and that is why it isn’t happening.

No, that’s just not true…

9. Just enjoy being able to have your freedom. I envy you.

I don’t want my freedom. I want a sweet little nugget to love on and adore. I want to pour my love into a little being and there is nothing that I want more in this world. Don’t envy me and my freedom because I would gladly trade it for a little love.

10. There are worse things that could happen…

Of course there are worse things that could happen, but don’t minimize how I feel or what I am going through!

11. I’ll carry a baby for you.

That is generous, it really is, but no..just no!

12. Whose fault is it?

Fault, really??? Ouch!

 

I’m sure that many of you have experienced similar situations… A little courtesy people, that is all that we ask for!